THE BEGINNING OF MY RECOVERY JOURNEY - 01/15/2017

Here goes...

           January 15th 2017.  That is the day I was saved.  It was a Sunday, the 7th day, the day of rest.  I had been doing drugs.  Cough relief pills to be exact.  Pills by the handful actually.  I had been taking them to see my "visions" better because I thought I was a Psychic.  I had convinced myself that I could see into the future, convinced myself that I was supposed to help everyone.  Partly because I had been hurting everyone who loved me by stealing, lying and cheating them.

But, I digress... back to the story...

           So, I had been doing drugs and I was staying at my step mom Tanya's house.  She had just left her boyfriend of many years and had gotten her own place.  She needed someone to talk to and believe in her choices.  So naturally, I was there. (we have always clicked with one another and have been there for one another in many ways and in different times).  While I was there I was of course taking the drugs.  I could not help it or stop.  I was always high.

           So I had spent the night and I was talking to her about life and bad decisions I had made and she told me about her problems too.  When we woke up the next morning, I had an epiphany!  I needed to get back home to Houghton, MI right away and help my then fiancé’s grandfather with household chores and maintenance. I had not been helping much (if at all) and I was starting to have remorse about it... one, because of the drugs and two, because deep down I wanted to be a good person.

          I decided that I would leave right away, but I was VERY high.  So, I drank a few glasses of water and then headed out the door.  Tanya was worried about me and knew that I was still drunk from the night before (I had had a few while we had been talking about life).  But, I headed out the door and got into my car and immediately anyways because I felt strongly about getting home.  I knew it was a bad idea though... I just did not care. 

          While on my way back home on a two hour drive, I started to have blurry and double vision. I could not see the lines on the road.  I had started in Negaunee, MI and was into Ishpeming, MI when I realized I just could not do any of this nonsense anymore. I was getting close to my lies and deceit catching up to me and I wanted to escape for good.  I felt like I needed to die.  To get it over with so I could be done with this "awful life" that I was yet again convinced I had.

          I decided that something drastic had to happen.  I need to either die, or I need to live and I was going to test myself to see which I should choose.  Life or death.  This was a life or death situation.  I decided to close my eyes and let go of the steering wheel (because I was too proud and dumb to just pull over, and again the drugs had me thinking things I should not be).  I asked God (in my mind) to come into my heart and save me if He were real.

          I closed my eyes and let go for the first time in my life (figuratively speaking).  I had always held on to the past and held grudges or had regrets.  I decided in those few split seconds that I was going to let go of everything and trust in a God I really didn't believe in.  I figured, I was just going to crash and die.

          Then I PHYSICALLY let go of that steering wheel, I held my eyes closed as tight as I possibly could.  I did not want to see what I was convinced (again) was going to happen.  I knew I was going to crash.  I waited for the impact, or horns to blare.  I truly believed I was going to die.  I held of tight to my seat belt and waited.  I felt a thrashing, like I had flipped the car.  My head ever so slightly banged off the drivers side window.  Not very hard, but I definitely noticed that I hit it.

          I felt a calm.  Like when you are young, scared and your mommy holds you tight.  You suddenly do not have a care in the world.  That is how I felt.  Calm, cool, collected, yet FULL of adrenaline.  It was the biggest rush I had ever experienced.  It was better than any drug I had ever tried.  When I opened my eyes, it was because I heard a knocking.  When I opened them I saw a man outside my driver's side window.  I had woke up sleeping and was reeving the engine.  I was in a snow bank on the opposite side of the five lane highway I had just let go on.  I had not hit anyone, I had not died, heck, I was not even hurt at all besides my little bump on my head.

          The man that was knocking was yelling at me to put the car in park and stop reeving.  So I did, then I rolled down the window.  He asked me what happened, I said I didn't know.  I asked him a few choice questions (in which I get into later, on another day).  He told me no to my questions and told me he was a fireman and had seen me crash into the snowbank.  Even though I had crashed, the airbags had not deployed.  In which case, I was surprised.

          Right then, I heard one of my favorite songs playing on the radio (Rihanna - Kiss it better).  I jacked up the volume as far as it would go and I danced in my seat.  I danced in my seat for joy because I was alive.  God had saved me, he granted me a miracle that cold Sunday.

January 15th, 2017 will now forever be a day I never forget.

THEI WAS THE DAY I WAS SAVED.

BELOVED

         I am constantly trying to find things to be grateful for in my life... so today when I saw this word, I am driven to write about why I am grateful for BELOVED...

Definition: dearly loved, dear to the heart

-  What does beloved mean to you? For me, it means being tucked in at night or being kissed on the forehead. 

          

-  It is getting home from work to find that he has cleaned the house while you were gone. 

-  It is late night talks in the dark as you drift off to sleep.  

          

-  It is waking up and not even minding the morning breath he has.  

          

-  When he comes home from the store where he bought himself something, but also got you something because he thinks of you.  

-  It is getting mad at his teasing but laughing instead of yelling because teasing is just part of the relationship deal.  

-  It is ticklefests and kisses, smiles and giggles.  

-  It is having hope for the future with him but enjoying the day you are in with him more.  

-  It is the pinky swear that he did not eat the last of the leftovers but the crumbs are on his lips.  

-  It is taking this person you have found and loving him so much that you could not possibly live without him, and it is praying that you never have to.  

ENEMY LINES

          You pull up out front, neon sign above your head.  You get out of the car, fresh air hits your face and you take in a deep breath of summer night.  You can feel the light thumping vibration from the stereo system inside.  You can hear the low rumble of the dozens of conversations being had.  The serene quietness outside is extreme... the street is void of cars, there is no one in sight... you almost do not want to move.  You just want to take it all in, the whole peaceful moment before the chaos ensues once you enter the battle zone.  It's 12:30 AM and you are about to cross over enemy lines... into oblivion.

          You open the door and there is a bouncer checking IDs, it is finally your turn and he waves you past... why did he not check your ID?  You wonder if you are old looking or if you are just too familiar?  You already know the answer to that but you push it out of your mind as quickly as it came.  You walk through the threshold... you are immediately taken over by the escalated noise level, far louder that you suspected from the outside.  You are also hit with the stench of aging alcohol as it sours in the drains of the old building.  Alcohol has surely absorbed into the woodwork and carpets over the years of spills.

          You see many familiar faces and you embrace with someone for a quick second, then separate only to have a an awkward conversation between them; a drunken person and you; a sober person. 

You ask yourself... 

     Did I talk this loudly when I have been drinking?  Could I not stand steady on my own two feet for more than 5 seconds.  Did I have a red face and an alligator tongue after I sipped that sweet glass of sin?  

Sure you did. 

     Was I belligerent when playing pool with strangers?  Did I shoot pool better sober or drunk?  Was everyone watching me like I am now watching them?  Are they hoping I will leave or shut up?  Am I a cheat or did I muddle the rules of the game to benefit myself?  Would I have normally started talking to the person in the next stall in the women's room?

Yes.

BOTTOM LINE:  Was this really where I wanted to be, or who I wanted to be?

HOME GROUPS

          Having a "home group" that you can attend regularly lays down the foundation to your sucess. Listening to the same group of people speak about their drinking career day after day, starts to build a big picture of their struggle with alcoholism. You find yourself relating more and more to their stories. You build empathy and understanding for your fellows and the AA program we all work. However, working your OWN program is vital. One person's way of working the steps does not always necessarily work for another, though there are often great commonalities between them. 

          I, myself, like to use my prayer box every day before the start of a meeting. I write down a prayer that asks my Higher Power to watch over my loved ones or to help them or myself tofind the courage or strength to push through an obstacle in our lives that we may be dealing with at that time. This helps me to focus on a set goal for my current 24 hours. 

          Finding a way to incorporate a routine working of your program into your daily lives is extremely beneficial. Try a journal, reading the Daily Reflection every morning, or maybe even a daily pledge on a phone app like I do (check out the "I Am Sober" app). Have a wonderful day my Spunks! 

#onedayatatime #24hours #dailyprogram #YOURownprogram #themprayersworkbaby #higherpower